"Shlemazel"

 Person with consistently bad luck, definition in hebrew. Learned from pops....well, WADDAYAKNOW. ..>>>> now at 2:35 am I've come to... iosif geller acronym is intelligent gotti. pops , coldest man I've seen/met in my whole life. I guess now in position of hierarchy or something... just i guess plus his age etc. Not cold anymore but really he spent all his life , COLD. Me, emotionally retarded. He's had no emotion where as I misinterpreted/misdefined just emotion with me, it's pride of a child. Really, I've never grown emotionally and he just aged with none. It's not even a matter of being better than or better looking or better whatever. MY SEX LIFE WITH BOTH GENDERS IVE ONLY STEPPED PAST RETARDATION WITH/FOR ONE PERSON. So , "maintain composure as a junkie"...Ive only lost my composure ONCE IN MY LIFE WITH A PERSON I cried before first time we had sex. that was the one time i have EVER lost composure with anyone. Not for sake of sex just because I found comfort once in my life. The one time I can recall crying THE ONLY ONE TIME I recall crying in my adult life. I lost composure with her.... whatever man just narcissist talking again. My father is ICE, I'm too nice for vanilla. I dont know anymore man I hope he found some ...warmth? maybe? in his new found position of extreme wealth/influence etc ofcourse well aged. I mean regardless it's ego driven to maintain composure living so cold. it's telling yourself "CAUSE I AM".  Cold? Enforced on me. Guess maybe i duno like father like son, coincedence or whatever. "insanity plea"..yeh I can get off with insanity any crime at any time when you look over facts of my biography . Emotionally retarded. with my pops...too cold. never once emotion seen in/by him.  Except once, when he broke down crying infront of me. Gay community had me rope around the neck with my little anti-semite gangsta rap. One time pops cried , me being the cause of tears. One time I cried, just narcissism i guess. prior to having sex with her first time. And then fucking ukrainians ALL THE MONEY IVE PASSED ON MIND YOU MUCH ELSE...with gays. emotionally retarded but I found so much emotional security between us that I tried to kiss sergey muravsky. He pushed me away. I asked why , guy told me "he didnt want to ruin your friendship".  OFCOURSE WITHOUT ME BEING AWARE THAT ITS BEEN LOOKED INTO let me make decision without clearing things up for me etc . NEVER explaining to me or having me LOOK OVER (REALIST LOOKIN) ACCURATELY MY LIFE. whatever I've always been emotionally blind so that impaired intelligence accuracy. just letting me go on ruthlessly.....no second guessing. With all my fuck ups , errors etc. I've NEVER HAD TO NOR HAVE I SECOND GUESSED, EVER. Sure I've worried but to second guessed? Never really guessed either. Just walked the line... mines, I wrote alot of line. Life of writing. My father afforded me/spared me the hardships of genius. You could say. CIA, could infer assholes. composing idiots anonymously Corelating intellect aroused. Aroused by intellect? Nah, retardation aroused me it seems. But me being emotionally retarded ....that is the OPPOSITE of what arouses women. YOU NEED ASSHOLES LIKE ME SO YOU CAN POINT YOUR FUCKING FINGERS AND SAY DAMN HOW HE KEEP A TIGHT ONE. pacino, maybe not a bad guy after all. That's just expression I dont know. All his awards, riches etc. Me, >>>>>>>>>awarded the rich.  fast forward still aint no bitch.<<<<<<<<<<<<<  1983 numbers add up to 21. When I was one and twenty.  One time my pops told me bout mom and her lady friend "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEM FUCKING".  My mother got turned out, my brother i duno is he gay or he got turned out being such a little teddy bear whatever. My pops ...turned out or not I'd imagine straight. he's got kids by two different women. whatever man I'm fucking done...emotionally retarded. Sums it up. GOAT (Geller on assembled team).