I have a concious its just been misplaced.

 i dont want to know when im going to die because then im counting time. But now the clock ticks and time is counting on me. To al pacino i gave my life away to play the straight card cause with gays from brothel spots with sluts i didnt fuck payed for by gay i never met to offers to move to cali if i gave a blowjob to famous russian artists sick sons tryin to kiss me i dont know why i always said no i romantically relate it to being raised with discipline and take a look at me now 40 my concentration camp physique ...whatever im rotting in loneliness for fucks sake i offered some fat retard a free blowjob cause i knew hed keep his mouth shut. The kindsof relations ive had to homos lookin like me nah i dont want no money for sucking dick but as of today maybe on the right word of kindness ill offer free vox by nicholson baker when i left it in judys mailbox WELL AUNTIE WOMAN I DONT CONSIDER BOOK TO BE PORN I THOUGHT IT WAS ROMANTIC AND WILLING TO SHARE WITH OLDER LADY NEIGHBOR i remember u drove me to train station once so i figured ur understanding enough. i always thought im super human i never let some feelings like loneliness get to me. And now sittin here alone in psych unit bed. But...whatever...all in all this or forty yr old virgin workin at best buy...ill take this. My sick mother my gay brother and my pops well god knows i just never knew he had so much hidden within. But my composure resides on one sentence my brother once said to me. Youre a realist and i respect that. Literally the only time ive heard him use the word respect. On the note of realist ..sad to say not my place to know whats wandered in dads mind through out the years. I feel bad for the guy even if he lives to one fifty. I just said all this cause time is counting on me. What ive had entrapped over years of addiction aint too generic but look i would have been gay had i lived sober so... you know I PRIDE MYSELF ON DISCIPLINE. Night